Home. It’s a funny word, because I’ve recognized home to mean many things, but most recently, a feeling.

June 8th, 2021 I left the U.S. with a one way ticket. Although not the first time I did this, it is the first time that I actually left with a plan to sustain full time travel with absolutely no intention of returning to what I called home.

Fast forward 2 months, my sister came to visit me where I’m staying in Mexico City over the weekend. While our taxi sat stuck in traffic she asked me, “How are you liking this new chapter of your life?” 

Without hesitancy, I found myself saying, “I love it. I know with 100% confidence that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.” As it slipped off my tongue, I felt a sigh of relief.  

I am home. Not necessarily Mexico City – although I am loving it – but this feeling inside me, the confidence and certainty that I’m living exactly the life I want and created, that feeling is home. 

Since leaving the U.S., I’ve traveled  through Costa Rica and Mexico. I’ve done some truly amazing and adventurous things like hiking to waterfalls, seeing an active volcano, enjoying wine from a terrace overlooking the city, and dancing bachata drunk in the street at 2 AM.

But I think what’s felt the greatest is what’s become my normal. I’m not on vacation, this is my life. I wake up in a new country, walk to the local coffee shop, admire my neighbors dogs along the way, work from my laptop, buy fresh fruit from the market, and plan a weekend trip to beautiful, new places. I’ve learned new things and opened myself to new experiences whether it be meeting new friends, going on a date for the first time in 2 years, stuttering my way through a sentence in Spanish, or trying new foods.

It’s surreal, and not to be cliche, but when I look back I can’t help but feel really proud. There’s been a lot leading up to this. Not just years of longing to travel full time, but also unlearning what I thought was possible, mastering new skills, experiencing failed relationships, intentional isolation and focus, selfishness with my time and protection over my energy.

So how did this happen? The short answer – I’ve always loved travel and dreamt of doing it full time with the freedom to live wherever I wanted. So when I lost my job over the pandemic, I took the anxious hours at my parents house and put myself to work learning skills on my own that I could use to work online. When I finally started to make enough to break even and got my COVID-vaccination, I knew it was time to go.

I was really nervous though, and as we know, dreams don’t come without fear.

On cue, 2 weeks before departure to Costa Rica, that’s when it hit me. As I looked at all my stuff spread over my room ready to be picked up by Facebook marketplace customers, I had a complete meltdown.

What the fuck am I doing. What if I fail? What if this is a mistake? My friends are all thinking of marriage and buying homes and they’re thriving in their career and I’m alone, selling almost everything I own to move abroad, making only just enough money in a brand new career. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I’m not ashamed to say that I sobbed for almost an hour. The last time I went on a long-term solo trip I also freaked out beforehand, but that was intertwined with heartbreak. 

This was different, it was about me. It was about my life and the fact that I was about to make a massive leap for something I desperately wanted for so long. It was about being aware that I was going for something so different than the people around me at my age, and all after a universally traumatizing year of unknowns.

But I eventually wiped my tears and took a deep breath. I knew I could do this, I knew nothing worth it didn’t come without a test of character, and I knew this was something I would be forever proud of no matter the outcome.

Writing this from a coffee shop across from my apartment in Mexico I can say I am proud. I don’t have it all together. I’m not making nearly as much as I want to for the longterm, but I know for a fact I’m right where I need to be, I’m growing in the right direction, and living life to the absolute fullest. 

I’m home.