29 May The Honest Start of My Solo Travels

Posted at 21:00h in Solo Travel, Travel Stories by
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In 2019 I left to travel for what I thought was only going to be a 2 and half month long trip traveling solo. That trip turned into half a year as I got bearings and fell in love with the lifestyle. It wasn’t always easy though, at the beginning I had a rough time. Below is an honest post that I wrote in the midst of it all.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a few weeks now, but it’s difficult when I’m constantly on the go, when I come down sick, and when I don’t have steady wifi. Plus, I get downright exhausted! But I wanted to write this for myself, and also to be honest with anyone following my travels. I’ve gotten loads of questions from people asking how I’m doing this alone and how I am not scared. Or there’s the opposite spectrum of people who see only the simple beauty of places and maybe don’t understand just how difficult it all can be to go at alone. I think everyone’s experience solo backpacking is different, but for me, to start this trip has been both amazing for myself, but also terrifying at times. And that real, vulnerable fact is something I want to share briefly.

For the longest time, I’ve recognized myself as an independent person. Since being 15 years old and getting my first part time job to pay for my own pointe shoes, I felt proud about doing things for myself, and by myself. Honestly, sometimes to a fault of never being able to ask others for help. And in recent years I’ve grown more introverted and enjoyed only a handful of people’s company long term. So when my personal obsessions grew into the desire to travel, with my personality, I never thought twice about going alone. It seemed like my only option. Part of me is control freak and wanted to go alone so I coud travel how I wanted. And the other part of me saw it as a practical thing, because even if I found someone who wanted to go with me, I didn’t know many people who would put in the dedication to save their money and the willingness to quit their job when the time came. On top of that, my desire to see the world was so strong, I never doubted my ability to do it alone.

...My desire to see the world was so strong, I never doubted my ability to do it alone. Of course, all that was put into question just before leaving.

Of course, all that was put into question just before leaving. As is usual for my life, I procrastinated getting things together for my trip. Days before I was only just ordering things I needed from Amazon and had absolutely no idea how I was going to fit everything in the backpack I just bought. I had only just recieved my vaccinations a week before leaving, I still didn’t have everything booked, and I was cancelling my phone plan the morning of my flight. By my own doing, I was on edge. On top of that, I had only really 100% decided to put the fantasy of backpacking into action about a month or two earlier when some previous life plans came crashing down on me. Being a problem solver, I had attempted to pick myself up and decided on the next thing to do to make myself happy (travel). I put all my focus on planning my trip instead, and I never really let myself sit with some harsh realities that were going on in my life. With these feelings of stress and lack of acceptance, the week before leaving home I could feel the anxiety building inside me and the questioning of myself coming into the spotlight. As the date of my flight got closer, I became more and more scared of the unknown and what was coming next in my life. But I tried to ignore it, I had to get myself out the door. Besides, everyone was so excited and proud of me, I should feel that way too, right?

Driving to the airport, I could honestly feel myself shaking and I had a lump in my throat – I could not believe I was really doing this. The buildup of disbelief that this was really happening and the anxiety of what was coming next was crashing down on me. I tried really hard to hold back tears, but the Pisces in me wasn’t going to let that happen. When my Mom dropped me off she hugged me and crying, asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Honestly, at this point, I wasn’t really sure I was. But I took a deep breath, slung my backpack over my shoulders and told myself, “I can do this.” And got myself in line for Qatar Airways.

Solo Traveling
My Mom's great idea to take a picture of me after I balled my eyes out 😂
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Honestly, at this point, I wasn’t really sure I was. But I took a deep breath, slung my backpack over my shoulders and told myself, “I can do this.” And got myself in line for Qatar Airways.

It’s now been over a month since I got on that plane, and I am doing this. There’s been ups and downs, sometimes I’m thriving, and sometimes I’m honestly in survival mode. I’ve felt high on life at times, and I’ve also had some serious mental breakdowns. I’ve had to accept some harsh realities, I’ve had to pick myself up when no one else is there to, and I’ve had to solve problems on my own. When I’ve misplaced my debit card, when I’m lost and don’t have data, when I miss my transportation, when I’m lonely and depressed and left with my own thoughts, when I’m so sick I can’t even stand up…I’ve had to pull myself together to take the next step forward. But it hasn’t been all by myself. I’ve realized that even though they’re on the other side of the world, my family is my biggest support system. I’m the one who has to take the next step forward, but if I have someone who cares about me to encourage me, it makes it that much easier when they are rooting for me. I have also found that sometimes I have to put my trust into stangers. To a degree, of course, but I’ve found often times people want to help. There’s been so many people along my journey who inspired me and spoke such kind words, they didn’t even know how much they were helping me. Whether it’s someone pointing me in the right direction or walking me to a clinic, meeting another female solo traveler who’s vulnerable enough to speak about her trials and how she’s still doing it, or a random couple helping me with my bags, or a local telling me to keep my good heart and God will take care of me in the next life at a time when I’m mentally down and they didn’t even know…For all these people I am so thankful.

I still have a lot to learn and I’ve realized this is a journey and no two days are the same. But now over a month in and 3 countries down, I am genuinely proud of myself and I can see how I’ve grown. I roll with the punches and some things that may have freaked me out earlier, don’t anymore. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’m invincible. But I know I can survive. And to be honest, that’s a really good feeling.

[I'm not invincible] but I know I can survive. And to be honest, that's a really good feeling.

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